Ponderings

19 views in one day, yet it was all in the early morning hours before I even woke up.

Only one thing comes to mind, considering this blog isn’t the easiest to find.

Stalker.

So, to you, whoever you are (or are their multiple people), HI! Why not make yourself known? Or is that you that commented on my blog… This site is pretty handy in multiple ways. Like, did you know that I know you got through via Facebook? Sadly, privacy is still somewhat sacred considering I don’t know who you are. But it leads me to a few things…. either someone that is friends with me is looking at my blog a LOT, or someone added then removed me just to get the link.

Well, I keep people narrowed down pretty well on my facebook because of drama and I have a child. I HIGHLY doubt that that is the case.

It’s very possible that someone has done some hacking, but my facebook doesn’t seem to be hacked yet.

This leads me to one final thought…… someone added then removed me, for the soul purpose of finding out some information on me. They found the link to this, that I forgot to remove. Guess you struck gold?

Problem is, I haven’t added and removed someone recently. Actually, I haven’t added any friends or sent any requests…… except one.

Are you freaking out now? Cuz I’m pretty sure I know who you are. I’ve added a few people but the hits on this blog haven’t increased. Now, I did send a request to someone not too long ago, and now that person is blocked. No big deal, I really don’t care… except after I was blocked, the hits on this blog went up. Now this person isn’t petty enough to do something like add me to get information and then block me. I know they are capable of a lot of stuff, but the immaturity of that is something I don’t think they’d do. Of course, if someone got into the facebook of this person and added me…..

And there’s only one person I could think of to do that.

 

 

Who all did you share this link with? Or did you really view it 19 times?

I’m sure you heard some wild things about me. The person we both know can do that. As for others… if you heard anything from anyone else, then don’t believe it because they don’t know me.

I could go into more detail, but I’m not going to feel this childish act of yours. If you really wanted to know about me or talk to me then obviously you know who I am on Facebook and can get to my page. There’s a little button that you click on to write and send messages. Wouldn’t that have been more mature?

Let me give you one hint; logging onto their accounts to get information doesn’t always go over well with him. Or any person.

 

So I guess I’m abandoning this blog. Even though I’ve never used names, and it really is hard to find considering not too many people know about it, obviously I have gotten a stalker.

I hope you’ve had fun with this last post, M (don’t worry, I won’t post your full name. who knows? i could be way off…. but i don’t think i am). If you want to actually talk to me instead of stalk me, feel free.

Hear the bells

So today I was supposed to be married to RD.

I’ve been sad all week, and cried quite a few times. I thought today would be horrible, especially because I had to work.

I wasn’t.

I think, after crashing out at nicK’s place, I woke up and kind of had a clearer head.

It didn’t affect me. I’m still a lil sad, but not as much as I was.

If it was meant to happen, it would have. Obviously RD and I weren’t supposed to be together as of now (who knows what the future holds).

I’m actually doing fine without someone to be with. RD has puppy dog and is..well, I wouldn’t use *happy*. nicK has a gf and though he says he’s breaking up with her, I’ve said before I’m not holding my breath. Plus, I told him that if she makes him happy to go with it. I have no other prospects either.

and I’m ok.

So the wedding that was supposed to be is sad, but it didn’t throw me into some depression like I thought it would.

That’s a step, right?

Relationships

Humanity amazes me, how they like to play little games with others.

I guess I shouldn’t talk because I do the same thing.

People fuck with me all the time, thinking that I’m some rug. I used to be, no doubt about it. Now… I have back up. I’m not stupid while I let people walk all over me. It’s nice to have others think that I’m not gonna put up with things. I’ve learned enough through the years, of being fucked over by nicK, RD, and others, that I can control the situation to an extent if I’m on my guard and keep track of things. If I don’t let myself believe every little thing someone says to me like I used to, and keep records in one way or another, so if I do need to look back for one reason or another, I have things to support my case.

If, of course, it comes to that.

 

 

I hope it doesn’t, but for some reason I feel tension and like something is going to come to a head. I hate drama, and I try to stay away from it, yet I keep accidentally falling into it every time. Like nicK…. I told him that if he was happy that’s all that mattered, and yet I’m where I’m at (details later…too tired), and RD is the same way (except kinda different….).

I care about people, but those people have so much drama when I’m around that maybe I should split from them. If those same people didn’t say they cared about me too, I probably would have a long time ago.

 

Cutting ties is a hard thing to do, and something I’m not too great at. Shoot… nicK had to tell the guy who raped me to fuck off before I could bring myself from letting him contact me.

I fail

Characters

To have a clearer understanding of the main cast members in this play, I figured it would be a good idea to do a character list. I little clearer understanding (not that I honestly think anyone will be reading this anytime soon… but I’ll just pretend I have a captive audience, just like one of the ‘cool’ bloggers)… Yay.

• Neko-san- ME!!! The writer of the babble that is in this blog. I’m a single mom, I curse, I use Google as a spell check, dictionary, and thesaurus. I am crazy… 10 out of  9 doctors agree, and I have paperwork to prove it. I’m sarcastic, a bitch, and most people really don’t know how to take me. Most of the time I don’t care, but most of the time I do.
• Monkeyboy- my little demonspawn. Not sure how a cat had a monkey, but let’s not think about that too much, m’kay? He drives me insane (well, he would if I wasn’t there already). He’s too smart for his own good sometimes, and knows how to play the ‘game’ already. He’s also very cute and knows it. In other words, I shall be in a shit ton of trouble when he gets older.
• RD- My ex-fiance. We met while I was cooking up Monkeyboy. He’s dad in every way except on paper or DNA. He’s with a girl I like to call Puppy Dog, as she follows him around just like a whipped pup. Puppy Dog came into the picture when I lost my sanity and broke up with him. He decided to keep her around while we were trying to work things out, but that didn’t go so well so I told him to choose or I was gone. He wouldn’t decide what was more important, so I left. I still hate him for it, and would love nothing more then to punch him in his face. We’re still friends though, and he’s involved with Monkeyboy, even if I have to bitch him out sometimes when he starts slacking off on the fatherly duties.
• NicK- another ex that could also be considered an ex-fiance, except I never had a ring and don’t think we were actually TECHNICALLY engaged. I’m sure, though, if you ask him he would say different. I’ve known him for 7 years and it’s been on and off. It’s currently… technical. He has a gf but is telling me he is going to leave her for me. I’m not holding my breath… I’d like to not die of asphyxiation.
• Domme- pretty much the only long-standing real friend I have, but she pisses me off royally sometimes. Of course, anyone and everyone pisses me off, so this is nothing unusual.
• ‘rents- Exactly as stated. ‘rentsM is the male counterpart that created me, and ‘rentsF is the female counterpart.
• Puppy Dog- See RD ^above^

That’s pretty much all of the main characters that I can think of. Guess I’ll add to it when it needs it, if that happens.

Napoleon XIV has it right

With everything that has gone on in my life over the past year, I wonder how much more my sanity can take.

The new recent sanity testing events are:

• my car broke down and needs a whole new motor, but the motor for that year is extremely hard to find without it being stripped
• as of today I have 6 days until I am supposed to be kicked out of ‘rents with my child and I have no where to go
• NicK seems to be playing me (yet again), leading me like a little puppy and part of me is putting up with it because of my feelings for him, while the other part is screaming to kick his damn ass… and I’m not sure who’s winning right now
• RD is back with the whole lusting for me thing, and can’t understand why it’s not going to happen (hello! Puppy Dog is expecting a litter towards the beginning of the year)
• Monkeyboy is testing my patience. I keep reminding myself that he is only 4.. but that doesn’t always stick in my twisted little mind, and sometimes I would love to just shake some sense in him. ——–Instead I tickle him
• My therapy and, thus my medication and DBT, are on hold because my car is down. This is the WORST time for me to not be in therapy because I feel like I’m on the verge of another collapse. I’d like to not end up in a week long stay at the wonderful hospital again
• Domme and I are fighting. She pulled some dumb shit that of course she didn’t find dumb, that just set me off involving Monkeyboy, RD, and Puppy Dog.
• I don’t make enough money for anything. Well, to clarify…. I do right now because I don’t have any bills, but I have to be living on my own with Monkeyboy, and with the amount I make I can’t afford a place. I also can’t afford a car, which would be nice to get right now for obvious reason.

The Gods are testing me big time. I keep thinking of the saying that goes something like “You’re only given as much as you can take” but really…. am I going to have it dished out, laid on my shoulders, an experiment of the flexibility of a fragile mind, until I break? When will this end? I’ve lost almost everything I have, and feel myself slipping into the dark abyss, except this time there’s something toxic and evil lying in wait. I can feel it, wanting to come out and play, shutting off the sweet lil Neko that most people know.  It wants to hurt everyone that’s hurt me, but maximize that hurt threefold.

Payback

Karma. Maybe that’s what I should name it, like a split personality, except this is all my own. This is me, just a me that I hide very well. Filter, to be the little Neko everyone knows and loves, that society accepts more then the full me.

The point to this is… I feel like I’m going to lose it. Really and truly.

NicK pt1

I’ve known this guy, NicK, for 7 years. We met at work, where I was told to stay away from him by other coworkers because he was ‘weird’. He hardly ever came in but when he did, according to the other girls, all he got was a coffee and then just sat on his phone the whole time or talked to one of the managers. One night he came in when it was just me there so I had to wait on him (I had been avoiding the ‘weird’ guy up til then). Unlike the other girls who were his server, he talked to me. He seemed quirky and odd, so I just had very casual server/customer conversations that danced a little towards personal, but only on his side.

That changed quickly as he started coming in more and more and became one of my regulars at night. During the week, no one came in while I worked 3rd, so sometimes it would just be him there, and he’d keep me company as I rolled silverware or just sat and relaxed. I was 17 when I met him, and really developed a crush, but never saw him outside of work. This was just for a few months, probably no more then 3, and he came in almost every night. I started to get antsy, waiting to see if he would come in and saddened when he didn’t show up.

He was smart, kind of geeky, talked about computers and cars like I did books and writing, and just really nice. I enjoyed conversations with him a lot. He made me feel good when I was around him and I wished that I could talk to him outside of the work setting. Of course, because I was so shy, there was no way that I’d bring something like that up. So I just continued to talk to him and enjoy ever nightly conversation that we had.

He told me one night that he was going out of state for business soon, and didn’t know when he’d be back, but he wished he could take me out on a date because he liked me. I can’t describe how that felt to hear him say that. He was a first major crush. I’d had crushes before, but this just felt different… instant. I didn’t want to use the *L* word because I hardly knew him, but it felt like that. I felt high, butterfly wings throughout my insides. That quickly faded in seconds because he was leaving. I wanted to get to know him so badly, but I wouldn’t be able to.

The next day, he left and I didn’t see him again until a year later.

 

 

 

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better if I just stuck with the others’ advice and not talked to him, not gotten friendly with him, not grown feelings for him. I know if I hadn’t, the past 7 years and what we’ve been through wouldn’t have hurt so much because it wouldn’t have happened. Of course, losing all the pain and suffering, I would lose the good and the wonderful feelings, however short lived or spaced out they may have been.

Hello from NekoWorld while I try to get used to this

As I’m trying to get used to the workings of wordpress, figured the best way was to give a little background (and I mean little… cuz a full one could take too long) on me.

I’m 25 years old and a lot of people call me Kitten, which is pretty much the only nickname I allow myself to be called. In case you didn’t know, neko is Japanese for cat. Since I’m called Kitten, and love the Asian (more specifically, Japanese) culture, I found Neko to be a fitting pen name.

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD. In case you didn’t catch that, it’s a personality disorder, which pretty much means medication doesn’t do much except to curb the severity of the disorder. Most people who hear that you have a personality disorder think screaming raving lunatic. Well, I do scream, and I do rave sometimes… but I don’t think I’ve crossed into the lunatic department. At least I hope not. So that I don’t get too into the disorder, or the rest of what is ‘wrong’ with me, I’ll post some links at the end for anyone who might be interested in understanding better.

On top of BPD, I also have been diagnosed with Dysthymia and Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Not many have heard of Dysthymia. It’s a mood disorder that pretty much means that where most people tend to be at a baseline of ‘normal’ and then fall below that when they get depressed, or above that when they are happy,  my baseline is always at ‘depressed’ and will fall into deeper depression or ‘normal’ when I’m happy. With PTSD, people tend to tie that into soldiers who have come back from war. It can affect anyone who’s had anything traumatic happen to them, from war to a car crash, to the death of a close family member. For me, it was being raped when I was 18. Maybe I’ll get into that in a later date, but for now… I’m not like most people who have PTSD. It doesn’t seem to affect me like others that I have seen who have PTSD from various causes. Instead of having severe flashbacks (which happens rarely) or anxiety (which happens, but also goes hand in hand with the rest of my ‘issues’), I talk about it with a straight face and hardly any emotions. It’s like I’m talking about something I read in a book or saw in a movie; I can think of only a few times where I’ve talked about it and started to get emotional.

Moving on from the deep issues…

I’m a single mom to a raging 4 year old I fondly call Monkeyboy. He’s too smart for his own good and already knows how to sweet talk, though he doesn’t know who he can and can’t pull it off with. He’s a smart ass, cocky, hansom, and hyper. He keeps me on my toes and makes me want to wring his neck after I give him a loving kiss on his forehead. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with him. He pushes my buttons as he’s being his charming self.

In other words, I’m in a shit ton of trouble when he gets older.

I tend to curse a lot, especially online since I try hard to hold my tongue around Monkeyboy, and use pictures and music to help get across what I’m trying to say or what I’m feeling at the time.

So there’s the quick gritty nastiness of myself, which will hopefully help to better understand why I might post some of the things I do, or view things the way I view them.

Links to disorders

BPD- http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001931/

Dysthymia- http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001916/

PTSD- http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001923/